At times, I did this to my children. I wanted them to “fit in”. I wanted them to “behave”, to be “normal”, although secretly I enjoyed them rebelling with a confidence I did not have as a child.
As I became more conscious and mindful in my parenting, I discovered that they were actually fine. I had the problem. I felt embarrassed, or like a bad parent if they misbehaved, and I reacted from there. A huge struggle for me was knowing in my heart that what they were doing was completely OK, yet another part of me was telling me to change their behaviour.
When family, teachers and society tell you there is a blanket right and wrong way, and you buy into this, we inadvertently tell our children that there is something wrong with them. That they shouldn’t be angry, shouldn’t be upset, or shouldn’t react a certain way, etc, etc.. I know for sure, that no parent wants to imply this to their children, or want them to feel this way.
Unless we are able to become very aware when we show up as a parent, there is a huge chance that this is happening. No shame or blame here, just an awareness.
When we parent unconsciously, and I don’t mean occasionally, ( Hello, remember you are human too! ) if you regularly parent from a place of unaware reaction, it makes it difficult for these little people, in our care, to grow up knowing they are worthy, and enough, just as they are.
These three steps came to me this morning as a way to parent consciously.
This is kind of like when Brene Brown talks of stepping into the arena. Show up, be present, get in there..For parents this is the place we figure things out, we discuss, create a plan, observe, create boundaries, family meetings etc
Think of yourself as leaning in on the previous step but now we need to lean back, physically perhaps and energetically. This does not mean to move into not caring or put up our protective walls but by leaning back we can decide whose business this is..stay in your business as Byron Katie says.
We have so many reasons why we can’t trust..I have a pile of them but it is in the trust that we surrender our control, when we hold on tight we do not allow them or us to breathe.
Are you needing some clarity in your parenting, in a certain topic or issue..book a call with me. It’s my pleasure to support you. <3
CREATING A HARMONIOUS HOME
Many of us have the dream to create a home filled with peace, harmony, laughter and respect, all before our little people arrive. Although we may have moments that we feel this is so, often it is far from how our home feels. The noise, the chaos and the commotion that comes with having children can leave us feeling out of control, overwhelmed and like we are swimming upstream.
Even with the best of intentions we can be the instigator of filling our home with discord. When we respond from a place of chaos, of overwhelming, of non-acceptance, we are not parenting consciously.
I have had many days where the words “no”, “stop”, “don’t” and the lovely British one “pack it in” were the main words that came out my mouth.
Let’s start by remembering that in conscious parenting, we are not the head of the household. We are not parenting from the top down. It is not about us getting what we want but, through your leadership, working together to find the solutions that work best for everyone.
Our children want a calm and peaceful environment too, not a fake one but real, true ways to live from a grounded, contented space.
I would like us to explore 3 steps to being more aligned with creating your peaceful home life.
Before we even get to the issues at hand we need to always check in with ourselves. How are we feeling, are we taking care of our own selfcare needs? Sleep, time alone, meditation, journaling, personal morning routines, being with friends, eating well, shutting off social media, exercise, yoga, connecting with our partners, working on our passions, taking a course, painting, creating etc.
When our own needs are not being met, we are parenting through our inadequacies. [from a place of lack]. We are not connected to the better part of our brain or responding [showing up] as the parent we want to be.
Let’s be honest. This happens, maybe over and over again, so be kind to yourself. We are not looking to show up as the perfect parent but as the imperfect “perfection” that we are; the good, the bad and the sometimes ugly.
BOUNDARIES & EXPECTATIONS
Life is this beautiful, unknown journey. We do have choices and options for the way we want to live, to show up, to be. In order for things to run smoothly, everyone needs to be clear about what is expected from them and what the family boundaries are. These boundaries need to be age appropriate and we need to fully live this way too. I love family meetings, this is the place where we can all come together to create and explore what is important to our family. We can discuss situations that are not working for us and everyone gets a say. These meeting are done at a calm and stress free time.
Maybe for you it is important that the front hall stays clear of shoes, bags, coats. For your son, this has no bearing or importance on his life but you can have a discussion around ways for this to happen, where you need to ease off, where he needs to help out. Perhaps for your daughter, she is so full of energy when she comes home that having to start homework or being still is hard for her. Maybe you can discuss ways to support her in letting off steam, in creating a space that works well for her.
Running in the kitchen is not safe, playing with knives is not a good idea, being mean to a family member is not how we want us to interact. When we have these clear boundaries, and maybe we even have some non negotiable ones too, everyone rises to the expectations of being a member of the family if they are in on the decision making.
When we hold the intention, the space, the energy of what we do want or need to happen, we can solve many minor issues. Being in “our own story”, we often come to the situation already feeling that things are going to be difficult. Instead of expecting there to be chaos, defiance, or tears, we can bring the energy that it will all run smoothly.
Our language can project this too. If for example a child is running in the kitchen while you are cooking, instead of demanding that the child stop running, ask directly of them what you expect in their behaviour. In this case you would ask them to walk slowly and carefully in the kitchen when you are cooking because there are hot pans and pots that can be dangerous for a child. Your words in this manner match your actual expectations and are not just a negation of the child’s behaviour but an encouragement of another behaviour in a positive way.
Our children are naturally self absorbed. Their thoughts are of themselves. They are not thinking “oh this may not be a good time”, or “my mum doesn’t like it when I”, or “this is not safe for me”. They have the awesome attribute of being in the moment. Let’s join them there as often as we can.
Parenting Success coach
I was listening to coach Elizabeth Gilbert today in an on line ‘Self Acceptance Summit’, and she was discussing so many amazing things but this sentence stood out for me .
“You didn’t know until the moment that you know”
This relates so strongly to parenting and why I do what I do.
The majority of us enter parenting with the right idea however we will have never parented this particular child before. We are unaware what we will discover about ourselves through parenting, and so many, many times (i’m speaking from experience) we just won’t know how to successfully deal with a certain situation.
Let me help you find your “knowing ” in a particular situation, let me support you from the nearly knowing to “the knowing”.
Book one of my S.O.S calls and let me show you what I know, that can help you “know” .